Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
