No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize