Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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