I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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