i was born a porn star she said
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
