I wish my penis had an off switch
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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