I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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