When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
