I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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