matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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