I have demons in me.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
