I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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