There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize