My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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