Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
