i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
