Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
