all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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