Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
