What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
