After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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