All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
