Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
