Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
