I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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