people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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