sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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