come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
