Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It's just like the Real World with babies
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
