Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
