dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
