i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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