Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
