Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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