Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
