I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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