Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
