She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
