it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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