he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
