Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
