that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
