call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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