I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize