Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
