I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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