just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize