It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
