so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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