I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize