Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
