my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
