At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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