Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize