She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
