dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
