So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
