happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
