I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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