Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
should my penis look like a turkey
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize