I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
