I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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