At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
